Our Future
by karen2001
Summary: The command crew must deal with the effects of something that happened during the hirogen occupation
1. Chapter 1

AN: set after the killing game. This is my first Fanfic, so be kind 

Disclaimer: The world of star trek does not belong to me. The characters do not belong to me. And no amount of tantrum throwing seems to be able to change that.

"Janeway to the bridge"

"Harry here captain. Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok are supervising the roundup of the Hirogen."

"Understood Harry… I'm on my way to the bridge."

" ummm….captain…"

"Let's hear it Harry, I haven't got all day….."

Harry's voice came out more like a squeak than a voice befitting a Starfleet officer currently in command of the bridge

"Th- the doctor _requested_ that you go to sickbay before you return to the bridge….."

"_requested_?"

"….captain…" Harry squeaked out "he was quite insistent…"

Kathryn Janeway took a deep breath and blew out. Hard. It wasn't Harry's fault that they had an overbearing interfering know all …deep breaths Kathryn. "Tell the doctor I'm on my way Harry. She strode purposefully towards sickbay scattering crewmen in her wake. Time to remind that overrated toaster who was in command.

On the bridge Harry let out a loud sigh of relief.

The moment she strode into sickbay however, her seldom used, but much feared death glare morphed into a look of concern as she saw her first officer laying on a biobed with the doctor hovering around him with a tricorder.

"Chakotay…are you alright…"

He grinned flashing his dimples at his captain but before he could answer, the doctor, unaware of the tongue lashing he had just barely avoided, answered for him. "He's perfectly fine captain, although like all the crew members he has no memory of his time as the guest of our illustrious friends.

"Nazi wars and you posing as Maquis…I cant wait to read the reports on this one Kathryn." He scoured over her with another one of his grins and then leapt of the examining table and patted it. "Your turn" he said with a smile, already anticipating the reaction of the woman who had to be escorted to sickbay for her physical by both Tuvok and himself.

" I'm as fit as a fiddle doctor…good god I'm starting to sound like Tom… and I don't see why I need to be examined before you _permit_ me to return to my duties."

Hearing the sarcasm in her voice, the doctor blithely continued talking with a fair bit of sarcasm evident in his own voice; "Now now captain…I'm sure there is no need to worry…you and Seven being the only ones who have memories of the holodeck, I'm sure you have reports to file and all that …but I'm sure that an examination will be infinitely more painless than trying to work out how the ship got overrun with Hirogen without any resistance."

She glared at him. Maybe the decompiling idea she had had on the march over here wasn't a bad idea after all… Tom was a decent medic and it would be worth it just never have to see that smug grin on his face or hear opera buzzing around her as the doctor hummed his latest fascination while giving her a once over with the scanner.

Once again, luckily for the doctor, the Commander came to his unknowing rescue.

She was assaulted with his scent as he leaned close to her prostrate form on the bed. His nose brushed against her skin as he made his way to her ear and she struggled to control the flush she felt spreading though her. Finally his lips blew warm breath softly across her ear as he said "are you sure you're okay Captain…I don't want to give the doctor cause for alarm. Because heaven save me from you if I give him a reason to run more scans … but you've never submitted to an examination so easily before. Are you sure you're alright?"

The evident concern in his voice was nearly her undoing 'Lock it up Kathryn…don't give him reason to suspect…'

"I'm fine Commander. If you're done here why don't you head to the bridge and give Harry a hand. He's still alone on the bridge and I'm sure that he'll appreciate the company after so long."

Reacting to the stiff formality in the tone of her voice, Chakotay straightened up immediately. "Of course Captain" he clipped out before spinning on his heel and, nodding to the doctor, he walked out of sickbay.

She blew out a deep breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding and glared at the doctor. He held up his hands in the universal gesture of defeat. "All right …All right, I'm done for now. As far as I can see you _are _fit. Though, I don't know if comparing you to a fiddle would be prudent in your present state of mind."

With a final glare she strode out of sickbay for what would hopefully be a long time.

Instead of for the bridge however Kathryn headed for her quarters and sat down heavily on the chair, not before ordering a cup of rejuvenating hot coffee. If there was one time that she needed it most, it would be now. After 4 years of resistance she had given in to the inexorable pull that she had felt from the first moment she had stepped in front of her current first officer and placed her hand on his chest.

She allowed herself a bitter sweet chuckle - at least she was the only one who knew she was guilty of the infraction of fraternization. How had she allowed herself to be swept up in the heat of the moment she would never recall. One moment she and Captain Miller were hiding in a dark alley as the Hirogen stormed by and then she was pressed up against the wall as he kissed her with passion that was imitated only in the fierce way her tongue duelled with his. He had an excuse. He was the American war hero, the dashing captain who had just escaped death yet again, with a beautiful French woman by his side.

What excuse did she have for not stopping him, however, when his kisses grew bolder… for not backing away when she felt him press against her and knew that if she didn't say no now there would be no stopping it. For the wanton way in which she surged against him and the way she cradled him as he lay spent afterward. She had none.

She realized that some small part of her knew that it was the only way the _Captain _would let _Kathryn_ have what she so dearly desired and so she took the advantage while she could. When she sobbed out Chakotay's name he had stilled above her and kissed her tears away so tenderly that for a moment she thought that her cry of passion had brought him back to her…that it was actually the man she loved above her and not some obscure character in a holodeck program, but he had smiled tenderly and told her that it was okay that she called out for someone else… and the tears ran faster down her cheeks.

Wiping her damp cheeks dry as she relived that painful moment she rose from her chair and set the coffee mug on the table before her. She tried to convince herself that she did not really want Chakotay to know about what had happened. That she had not felt her heart ache when she realized that it was still captain Miller and not her Maquis warrior …_**her**__ Maquis warrior?_..._not now, not ever Kathryn _a voice inside her taunted. She straightened up and lifted her chin. It was time to go back to work. She had a starship to run and it was no use hiding in her room like a frightened cadet. Sooner or later she would have to face Chakotay again. Her only comfort was that he would never know. He would never be tormented by the memories of a few moments in time when it seemed that she had finally found her way home. But she did not regret remembering. All she had were the memories of their one night of passion And that would have to be enough… it had to be enough.

It was all she would allow herself to ever have.

Chakotay was worried about her.

Even the crewmen cleaning the plasma manifolds had to know. Wherever she went, there he was. In the mess hall he would come up and ask of he could sit with her…like it was still high school for God's sake. He walked her to bridge duty every morning and hovered round her ready room door when she was inside. She knew this because whenever she came out unexpectedly, he'd bump into him, at which point he'd give her a sheepish grin and skulk to his seat. It was getting to be too much. She couldn't sleep without dreaming about the night in the holodeck, and him hanging around her at every opportunity did nothing to soothe her frazzled nerves. Looking in the mirror a week after the Hirogen incident she took in her sallow complexion, the pale expanse broken only by the dark bluish circles around her eyes and thin red lines that marked her lips. No wonder Chakotay was hovering. She looked like she was terminally ill.

Remembering B'elannas's insistence that they start looking for dilithium pretty soon and then Tuvok's idea to approach a colony that they had picked up on long range sensors as being of the Bremar, a friendly race who were know for being fair traders in this sector (Or so Neelix told her) she decided that it would be the perfect opportunity for some shore leave. Even as she imagined Tuvok's eyebrows climb high at her announcement that she wanted to go on leave voluntarily, she came back to the problem of Chakotay. As much as he had been hovering lately, he would want to spend the shore leave with her. And that would work against her plans to get as far away from him as possible... she would figure that out when it came to it. Right now she needed to lather on some serious makeup unless she wanted to be dragged sickbay again. Shuddering at the thought, she picked up a rarely used foundation pack and set to work

Later the same day she stood in exactly the same place, muttering to herself and scrubbing the offending concoction off her face. She had managed to fool everyone but the person she was trying to. As soon as she had settled in her chair, he had leaned over - and as she breathed in languidly, delighted in the scent of his cologne, he had whispered " Are you sure your all right Captain ?…I've never known you to wear so much make up before". DANG IT ALL ?…was there anything the infernal man didn't notice? She sighed looking at her wan reflection now that the 'face paint' was gone. She couldn't wait for that shore leave.

4 DAYS LATER

"Captain we are entering the Bremar colony system. They are hailing us"

"On screen Harry" she said. Standing up as the main viewer came online she repeated her standard greeting in this quadrant. " I'm captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We are travelers a long way from home. I have heard of the hospitality of your people and we would like to discuss trading with you'll."

"Welcome to Bremar 5 captain. I am first minister Raoul. " said the alien on the main viewer. The Bremar were almost human like in appearance with a few subtle changes the most obvious one being the shocking colors of their hair. The first minister's was a bright yellow and behind him she could see flaming reds, deep blues and even a few lime greens. Concentrating on the first minister again she was pleased to hear that they were being welcomed as guests, and that before they would agree to trade the Bremar were insisting on organizing a banquet in their honor. At least nothing had gone wrong yet.

The next day she and a delegation of officers prepared to beam down to the banquet site. Along with Chakotay and Tuvok, four other junior officers were going along. As they rematerialized outside a large, majestic looking building, the First Prefect glided over and grasped her hand. Looking upwards, for he was almost 7 feet tall, she smiled as he enthusiastically welcomed them and offered to escort her inside. The only other option being to allow her first officer to escort her instead, she readily accepted and with a smile upwards, she walked into the hall.

Behind her Chakotay watched as she walked arm in arm with the alien man and squelched down the jealousy that had reared at the sight of his captain by another mans side. Telling himself to relax, that it was all in the name of a good trade, he put his hands behind his back and trailed after them.

Back on the ship Kathryn sighed as she took off her 4 inch heeled boots, usually saved for First Contact meetings. She needn't have bothered with them today –she'd had to crane her neck the whole night in spite of the boots. Having spent all her time with the First Minister, including dancing with him to avoid being asked by her First Officer, she had developed an ache in her neck that she knew would only be worse the next day. She sighed. Chakotay. She had been aware of him staring at her the whole time she was dancing and while she was seated beside Raoul, as the first minister had insisted she call him. She knew that he was wondering why she was pointedly avoiding him, but it couldn't be helped. The last thing she needed was to be held in his arms, even under the pretext of a dance and she had to avoid it at all costs. The trade negotiations were due to start the next day and after that she would ask if the colonies council would be willing to allow the crew to stop for shore leave. For now she had to concentrate on the negotiations, not on how delectable her first officer had looked in his dress uniform. With a wry grin she headed for a much needed soak in the tub.

Across the bulkheads in the next room Chakotay was pacing his quarters. She had all but thrown herself at the First Minister tonight. It had gone way beyond just politeness. And he was jealous. 'Of what?' he asked himself. 'All she did was dance with him. And it was not as if I have any right at all to be possessive about her... all she had done tonight was have a little fun.' Remembering how withdrawn she had become after the Hirogen had left and how sick she had looked afterwards, he couldn't be angry anymore. If that's what it took to make her smile, then it was okay with him. Almost. Muttering under his breath, he headed for the holodeck to use his sparring program.

The negotiations were complete. Happy with the final outcome, the Bremar had readily agreed to allow the weary travelers a brief respite. After announcing to the bridge that she would be in the first shift that went planet-side for a little R and R, she held back a smirk as she watched Tuvok's eyebrows begin their ascent. Her old friend would be appalled to know that he was just as predictable to her as she was to him. Retiring to her ready room she looked up when she heard the door chime. Time to face the music - who else would it be after all? "Enter" she called standing up to fortify herself with a cup of hot coffee for the conversation ahead.

Chakotay stepped into the ready room with a grin on his face. He'd expected to argue with the Captain, to force her to take some shore leave considering the recent strain that she had been under. The fact that she had volunteered to go herself pleased him to no end. Perhaps soon, all would return to normal in his world. Handing the captain a padd, his hand brushed against hers and a frission of awareness ran though him. Her skin was milky soft beneath his rough skin and he struggled to control his body's response. Spirits! He was no longer an adolescent boy with raging hormones. A simple brush of her hand should not provoke such a response in him. But he acknowledged to himself, Kathryn Janeway had always had this effect on him, from the first moment she had touched him when he had beamed onto her bridge. He just had to wait for her to admit that she felt the same way he did. On New Earth they had come so close… only to be torn apart again and set back into the boundaries of rules and protocol.

Well he could take things slow. He had 30 years and they were both going nowhere. Watching her as she read the padd he took in the features that had haunted his dreams for so long now. Soon he promised himself. Soon he would win her over. "It's a list of tourist spots on the planet Captain. I thought that we could visit some of them before heading back to the capital since …."

"Chakotay" she interrupted "I'm sorry but I was thinking that I would go down alone this time. I've been feeling a little under the weather lately and I thought that I would just find a quiet little inn somewhere and bunk down there for the duration."

Startled he quickly back pedaled "Of course captain. Have you gone to see the doctor if you're not feeling well?" he asked watching her carefully. Something wasn't right. Her eyes darted around the room never settling on his.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about" she said. Seeing that he was going to protest she pacified him "If I'm not feeling better after this impromptu vacation then maybe I _will_ see the doctor."

Temporarily satisfied he said "I can ask Harry to draw up a list of suitable places if you want. I'm sure we can find some place that…"

Again she cut him off. "Raoul…the first minister has promised to show me a quiet little out of the way place he knows Chakotay. I'm sure I can find something on my own."

Raoul. When had she started to call him by his first name? He felt the stirrings of jealousy again. Well she could listen to that yellow headed freak if she wanted. Who was _he_ to make a simple suggestion. "Of course Captain," he replied, a tad coolly. "I'm assuming you will let Tuvok know where you will be for security purposes?" at her quick nod he straightened "Then if you will excuse me…I've got to check up on something in engineering" and he walked out of the room.

Kathryn sighed. That hadn't gone very well.

2 weeks later and they were on their way again. They last few teams had just finished beaming up with the much needed dilithium and the First Minister was just getting ready to beam down back to the surface after a tour of Voyager. Kathryn, Chakotay and Tuvok were there to see his delegation off.

"A fine ship you have here Kathryn… almost as fine as her Captain." Raoul teased with a smile.

"That's very gallant of you Raoul. Once again, I must thank you for your wonderful hospitality." Kathryn said, a faint blush coloring her fair skin at the compliment

"Not at all, not at all. It was my peoples' pleasure to help travelers such as your self. May your journey be a safe one" Bowing slightly the delegation shimmered and then vanished on the transporter padd.

Smiling she turned only to face a disgruntled looking commander. He had been edgy ever since she had gotten back from shore leave and it had become even worse the moment the Bremarian delegation had set foot on voyager. The shore leave seemed to have an opposite effect on them. While she was feeling well rested and calm, Chakotay seemed jumpy and agitated. She watched as he turned and stormed out of the transporter room. Turing to Tuvok for some insight into her first officers mood she saw his raised brow and decided that the chief of security was as puzzled as she was.

Chakotay stormed down the corridor. Four years he had waited for her. And she went off with the first alien to show a little interest. And then she flaunted it right in front of him. The nerve of that woman. He took a deep breath. Maybe he was wrong. I didn't seem like his Captain to have a quick affair. Even is she did like Raoul, it was unlikely that anything had happened. Was it? He put the doubt firmly aside. But he was getting tired of waiting around like some love sick puppy. Perhaps the time had come to move on.

3 weeks after leaving Bremar space, during the alpha shift, Kathryn began to feel a little ill. Holding her stomach, she grimaced in pain.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked, concerned. "It's probably nothing Commander" she reassured "Most likely Neelix's latest culinary creation doesn't agree with me. I'll retire to my ready room for now." Standing up, she nodded to him "Commander, you have the bridge."

She had barely made it behind the closed doors when another bout of nausea sent her rushing for the toilet of her ready room. Afterwards she sat on the floor resting her head, too drained to contemplate moving yet. Just when she decided she had better get up, there was a chime at the door. She opened her mouth to answer as she stood…standing up was not one of her better decisions. Bending over she vaguely heard the door open and then he was by her side, rubbing her back. Sitting back on the floor she had barely time to try and assuage his fears before he lifted her up and called for the beam out to sickbay.

Rematerializing in front of the doctor, she allowed herself to savour the feeling of being held tightly in his safe, strong arms before the doctor asked him to place her on one of the beds.

Straightening out as he put down his precious bundle Chakotay began to pace the room as the doctor scanned. He wondered if there was anything seriously wrong with her. He hoped not. Even though he had been trying to tamp down on his feelings after the incident with _Raoul_ he still didn't even want to think what would happen if she was really ill. He had…. His thoughts were cut off on hearing the doctor close the tricorder with a snap and he spun around. "Well…?" he prompted when the doctor gave no sign of divulging the findings.

The doctor startled as if he had forgotten Chakotay was there. With a quick look at his captain he said "I'm afraid you will have to leave commander. I have some…things…to discuss with my patient."

Chakotay bristled and stayed where he was. With a sigh Kathryn walked into the doctor's office motioning the doctor to follow and leaving Chakotay in the main part of sickbay. Although he couldn't hear anything he watched as the doctor showed Kathryn the tricorder he had been examining her with. He grew even more worried when she blanched and held on to the end of a nearby table.

Inside the office, Kathryn was struggling to reach equilibrium even as her mind was spinning. "Captain, I'm detecting elevated heartbeat and blood pressure readings. Perhaps you should sit down.

Not really hearing him she turned. "How could this have happened? The booster shots should have prevented it?"

"And they would have captain…if you had taken the time to keep them up to date. You're supposed to have one every 6 months, and I generally give them out at the physicals, but since you have skipped 2 of your last appointments with me, you can see why they let you down in this instance." He frowned at the tricorder beeped again. "I really must insist you sit down Captain. All this stress isn't good for the baby."


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks to all those who reviewed

The baby. Her baby. Kathryn's head seemed to be spinning. She edged her hand behind her until she found what appeared to be a chair and then sank back into it. What was she going to do now?

Outside Chakotay grew more and more agitated. He watched as his captain grew paler and paler and then as she collapsed into a chair behind her. Doctor-patient confidentiality or not, he was going to find out what was going on.

Storming into the room he came to a shocked halt. Kathryn had tears pouring down her face while the doctor awkwardly patted her shoulder. Through the Kazon, the Hirogen and all manner of other obstacles, he had only seen Kathryn break down once on New Earth after the plasma storm. He wanted to know what could have possibly made the strong woman he loved so much break down in front of her crew. Or did he? How could he handle it if she were really ill. As his thoughts grew grimmer and grimmer, he gave himself a mental shake. Kathryn needed him to be strong for now. Whatever it was, he could breakdown later in the privacy of his quarters. Right now his first objective was to take care of HER.

Looking to the doctor, he asked what had happened. "She didn't take the news well, as you can see" he stated, "and before you ask, I can't tell you what it is. You'll have to ask her if you want to know, though she won't be able to hide it forever."

"Do you want to keep her in sickbay?" Chakotay asked, already looking her over for any signs of whatever the disease was, that would apparently show soon.

"No, there's nothing more I can do for her right now. Take her back to her quarters. A soothing cup of tea would help her more than I can. Tea, not coffee. Its bad for…" he trailed off before saying too much. "It won't do to get her more agitated," he covered.

Looking down at his immobile commanding officer, he nodded once to the doctor before helping her up again and ordering the beam out to her quarters. Whoever was at transporter controls in engineering was going to have a field day with this one.

Setting Kathryn on her sofa, he replicated a steaming hot cup of chamomile tea. His grandmother had always said it helped her to calm down. Tucking a blanket around her he waited for her hiccups to quite down before he handed down the cup. Watching as she took a tentative sip, he couldn't help but smile as she made a face, staring down into the cup. "Sorry Kathryn, but doctor's orders. No coffee for now." At the mention of the doctor, a look of misery passed across her face. Taking the cup from her, he placed it on the table before turning back and gathering her in his arms. Silently, she clung to him trying to gather up the strength his embrace offered before she was left alone again. As her sobs subsided he let go of her and cradled her face in his hands. "What is it Kathryn?" he asked gently. "Let me help you"

At his gentle tone, and the caring she saw in his eyes, she couldn't stop herself from pouring out her heart to him. At that moment, she forgot what she was trying to hide. All that mattered was that if she told him, maybe he could make things better. Looking into his chocolate brown eyes she blurted out " Chakotay … I'm pregnant!"

Chakotay's reaction was what brought her back to reality. He dropped his hands from her face as if burned. Before he shuttered them closed, she saw dark anguish in his eyes. He clenched his fists together and stood up walking away from her. With a grimace he opened his eyes again, now devoid of all expression. "Whose is it?" he asked, in measured tones.

Kathryn remembered only now that he had no idea what was going on. For a brief moment when he held her, she forgot the reason for her breakdown in sickbay. He didn't know. He didn't remember. It might as well not have been him. What was she going to tell him?

Chakotay's voice filtered though her spinning thoughts. He was saying something. Struggling she focused on him. "DAMN IT KATHRYN, WHOSE IS IT?"

Startled by the anger she heard raging in his voice she said the only thing that came to mind. "It isn't yours Chakotay." And it wasn't, not really. It was Captain Miller's.

Chakotay's voice blasted though her thoughts again. "I KNOW it isn't MINE. How could it be mine? I've never slept with you, thank god" she wince at that. She had ruined everything. It was time to pay.

"I'll bet it was Raoul" he was shouting. "Did you _thank_ him enough for showing you a NICE, QUIET, OUT OFF THE WAY INN KATHRYN? I'm sure you _appreciated_ it." It seemed all of his anger seemed to run on on him. He sank into a chair in the opposite end of the room close to the door. "Why Kathryn, why? You knew I was waiting for you. You knew I loved you. Why? WHY?"

Not hearing any answer and not waiting to see if one was forthcoming, he stormed out of the room. Kathryn curled up into a ball on the sofa. He had loved her. Loved. It was over. Hugging her knees she stared out into deep cold space.

Chakotay sat back disgusted. Two hours in his sparring program against a hologram that looked suspiciously like the first minister hadn't done him any good. And neither had his vision quest. His spirit guide hadn't even shown up for the first 10 minutes and just when he began to think that this was one of the times when she had chosen not to come, she had appeared. But when he questioned her, all she did was snarl at him and vanish again. As if _he_ had done anything wrong.

He sighed. In a way he had. Perhaps he had been too hard on Kathryn. After all she had just received a terrible shock and all he had done was scream at her. Perhaps he should go and apologize, maybe with one of his peace roses. Those always seemed to cheer her….._wait a second_. Now he was giving her roses again. Chakotay, you're a bigger fool than even you thought possible. She has another mans child growing inside her. How's that for proof that she doesn't want to be with you. First chance she gets she's at it with some minister she's hardly known for a few days, but she keeps you hanging for 4 years, … and now you want to go crawling back. No, it was time for the angry warrior to reassert himself.

Kathryn sat back in her ready room. It was 2 weeks since she had gotten the news about the baby and the disastrous conversation with Chakotay. Ever since then, he had barely said a few sentences to her outside of bridge duty. He had made it a point to go to the mess hall at different times, and crew moral was starting to dip. All of them were feeling the friction between their command team.

She was only 2 months along and not showing yet, but she would need to tell the crew soon. The morning sickness wasn't getting any better and she rather they knew she was pregnant than scuttlebutt make up some terrible disease she was suffering from.

She tapped her comm badge and asking for a ship wide interface, proceeded to break the news to her crew.

Walking back onto the bridge a few minutes later, she took in Chakotay's rigid expression. Sighing she looked around as Tuvok came up to her.

"Kathryn Janeway. I have known you a long time and this news…pleases me greatly. May I wish you and your offspring peace and long life."

Smiling up at her friend, she nodded, not wanting to embarrass him by hugging him like she wanted to. Tuvok would never know how much that meant to her. Finally, someone else who was glad that she was going to have a baby. Taking a cue from Tuvok the rest of the bridge crew gathered round to congratulate their superior officer, each one of them sincerely happy for their captain. That is, all except the notable exception of Chakotay. She smiled as Harry shook her hand before hugging her, then scurrying away blushing furiously. She even managed to grin as Tom commented that they would have to set up a pool for when the baby would be born. But her thoughts were still on Chakotay. What would he do when he found out that the baby was all human. He would probably demand to know who on Voyager was the father. And if he thought that the father was someone else on the crew, that would destroy him even more than if it _had _been Raoul.

B'Elanna sidled up to Chakotay in the mess hall. "I guess now I know why you've been behaving like a bear these past few weeks. The engineering crew was more scared of you then me" she joked feebly.

"You've heard then" was all he said.

"Yeah I've heard. And from your mood lately I'm assuming it isn't yours?" eyes flashing he spun towards her. Retreating quickly she said "Okay, okay old man, I'll take that as a no."

"She got herself knocked up on Bremar 5" he muttered. Belanna drew in a shocked breath. "She told you that?" "No. But where else. Not on Voyager. I've been watching her closely for the past month. Se seemed to be ill after the Hirogen incident, so I know it wasn't then. The only possible time would have been during the away mission with first minister _Raoul" _he spat out.

"I'm sorry" she said. I know you love her. "Wrong B'El. I loved her. Not anymore. Not after she betrayed me. I'll never give her power to hurt me again. From now on I'll be her first officer and nothing more. I have to see her on duty but after that I'll avoid her like the plague. I don't know what I even saw in her in the first place. I must have been blind." and with that he staked off leaving his unfinished meal and a concerned lieutenant.

A concerned and embarrassed lieutenant as the captain emerged from a booth beside theirs. She hadn't been visible from their angle, but had been close enough to hear every word. Not knowing what to say she looked into the Captain's eyes and was surprised to see hurt shimmering in their depths. "Captain he didn't mean it….he's just angry…"

Holding up her hand she stalled her chief engineer. "He has every right to be angry. You don't have to defend him B'Elanna. But you're wrong about one thing…he did mean it." And she left.

8 weeks later

Chakotay sighed. This wasn't working. His plan was falling into pieces around him. He thought that by avoiding the captain outside of ship's business, he could detach himself from her. But he was failing miserably. Every morning when he stepped onto the bridge and saw her, he felt a knife go thought his heart. She was starting to show a little and at times he caught himself daydreaming about what it would be like for it to be his child that Kathryn was carrying. To be able to hold her and remind her that she was eating for two now. To go to the doctor's appointments with her and hold her hand. Then reality would wrap its cold claws around him and he would start back to the present.

She had virtually exiled herself from the crew. After B'Elanna had told him that she had overheard his rant in the mess hall, he was worried that they would have to break down which events she would attend and which he would. But she had simply stopped leaving her quarters after her shift, except for going to the mess hall. Gradually the crew learnt to stop asking whether she would be coming to a birthday celebration or a holiday party. They grew accustomed to her absence, something which he himself found hard to do. He had grown used to talking to her at these type of occasions. The burden of command, which had separated them from the rest of the crew, held them aloof from the junior officers, served to bring them closer together. Without her at his side he felt out of place, lost. Not to mention guilty. And worried.

It was his fault that she was avoiding her social life. A quick check of the holodeck logs told him that she hadn't been using her assigned time there either. Each morning it seemed that she looked paler and paler. Even though she was starting to round off in the middle, her cheeks were gaunt and her eyes set deep in their sockets. He had heard the doctor admonishing her for not getting enough rest and wondered what else she could be doing, alone in her quarters, except for resting. A review of her replicator logs revealed that she had even given up coffee. She was eating almost raw nutrients, whatever the doctor told her the baby needed; much like seven had done when she first came on board.

Each day she seemed to withdraw deeper into herself. No, this was definitely not working. And he knew what he had to do.

Kathryn looked up as the door to her ready room chimed. "Enter" she called out, wondering who it would be. The crew had taken to avoiding her after she had been a no show at the last 4 holodeck events. Chakotay. She wondered why he had come. Usually he avoided being alone with her at all costs.

"Come in Commander, please sit down."

"I'll stand if you don't mind Captain. I just came to give you this." He extended a padd towards her.

Reading it she struggled to control her emotions.

"What is this Chakotay?" she said, the words coming out angrier than she had intended

"I thought that was apparent _Kathryn" _he said calmly, as if all was right in his universe while hers had just come crashing down around her. "It's my resignation as your first officer . Effective immediately. I'm leaving the ship"


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn stared at him disbelievingly. "You're leaving?" she said blankly, her mind refusing to accept what was so plainly set before her. He was leaving the ship. Leaving her. Leaving his child. "Chakotay…why?"

"I seem to remember asking you that a few days ago Kathryn. You didn't answer me then, why should I have to answer you now?"

Gathering her wits around her, she stood up. "Commander you are still an officer on this ship and I am still captain. I would like a …logical explanation, if there is one, as to why you wish to abandon any hope of retuning back to earth, why you want to abandon…friends on this ship."

Spirits help him, he still loved her. He had tried to stop, tried to make himself hate her, but he realized that he didn't have it in him. She had been miserable before meeting Raoul and she had been happy till his tirade in her quarters. Yes, he did love her, but he would have to admit to the fact that she didn't love him. He could not force her to feel anything for him that wasn't already there. He knew she valued him as a friend. But that just wasn't enough for him. And no amount of wishful daydreaming on his part was going to change that.

Instead all he had been doing was making her life a living hell. Having isolated her from the crew, he had hurt her badly, when what he should have been doing, what his duty as her friend demanded that he do, was support her. But it hurt too badly to see her. The only reason he had stayed on the ship was to be by her side. He had nothing waiting for him in the Alpha quadrant. He would gladly risk going back to maybe even a Cardassian prison, if only it meant that he had a chance to stand by her forever. But it was clear now that he had deluded himself. There was no longer any reason to stay.

Emerging from his internal justifications he refocused on her face, seeing her waiting for an answer. Before he could stop himself he had the uncontrollable urge to make her feel a little of his pain before he left, to see if he mattered even a little to her. "I'll tell you why Kathryn. It's because I can't stand to be around you anymore. I can't even look at you. And I hate you for making me feel this way" he spat out.

Hearing her worst nightmares come true, Kathryn could only stand and listen in shock. He hated her. Hated. Well, what did she expect? She should have thought of consequences before she lost herself in the holodeck. But she was still Captain of this vessel. A Starfleet officer. 'We don't buckle under pressure.' Straitening up, she squared her shoulders and tossed the padd back at her first officer. "Request denied Commander. As of right now, you are too valuable to this ship. If you left, half the Maquis would probably want to go with you, and we cant afford the loss of manpower, not with us already being so short handed. Return to the bridge and resume your duties. Your personal reasons are not sufficient reason for your resignation."

"Damn it Kathryn, you can't stop me from leaving." This wasn't going according to plan. He hadn't factored in that Irish stubbornness.

She walked over to him and leaned into his face. "Try me Commander…I dare you." When all he did was stare at her in shell shocked silence, she said with a voice that more resembled a whiplash. "Dismissed."

Without another word, he walked out of the room. She heaved a sigh of relief. Contrary to her bluster, she really couldn't stop him if he decided to go. Luckily for her, he hadn't called her bluff. Yet. Sooner or later he would. If she knew Chakotay, even a board of admirals couldn't stop him when he decided to do something. And he had obviously decided to leave Voyager. She collapsed into her chair and cradled her head in her hands. He was going to leave sooner or later. And there was nothing she could do to stop him.

Yes there was, a tiny voice inside her said. Tell him about the baby. He wouldn't leave his son. No, she thought, he wouldn't. And then she would be as bad as Seska. He would be forced to stay because of something he had done, which he had no control over. His sense of honor wouldn't allow him to leave. He would be trapped by the side of someone he hated. But he would stay. She considered it for the briefest of moments before dismissing it. She couldn't do that to him. Even if it kept him with her, he would be unhappy. And she loved him too much to see him unhappy if she could help it.

Chakotay stormed down a corridor towards engineering. It had been a week since he had tried to resign and he was still here. It was time. As he entered he looked around for his chief engineer. If he was going to leave the ship without the Captain's knowledge, he would need some help.

Noticing a pair of boots sticking out of a Jefferies tube, and the unmistakable sound of Klingon cursing he gave a half smile and made his way towards the wall. Not wanting to startle her he waited till she noticed him, smiling at the look of embarrassment he received on her being caught loosing her temper yet again. "Belanna, I have some things I need to talk about. Would you mind meeting me in the mess hall after the shifts over."

"Any time old man." Noting the lack of the signature grin on his face, her own smile faltered. "What's up?"

"I'll tell you in the mess hall later." And he walked out. Her eyes took in the slouched shoulders and the slow gait. Something was wrong, and she had a feeling she wasn't going to like it one bit

"YOU'RE WHAT!" she bellowed a few hours later across the table from her old captain.

"I'm leaving Voyager." he calmly repeated, as if he were announcing the time or something equally incongruous.

"Why?" was all she could splutter out, still shocked

"Why does everybody keep asking me that? I'm leaving because I want too. It's as simple as that."

"I don't think so. You don't just pick up and leave after 4 years. What happened to change your mind so suddenly?"

"I think you know what happened." He muttered darkly.

"Come on Chakotay, your still holding that against her…" she fired back

"No I don't hold it against her. I just can't stay anymore. I can't be around her anymore. I've tried. It's not working. So I'm leaving. And I need your help."

She was in her ready room when the alarms went off. At 5 months along, she didn't quite stride as much as waddle onto the bridge. "Report" she barked out.

"Its commander Chakotay ma'am", Harry answered, the salutation demonstrating how shocked he was. "He's taken a shuttle and jumped to warp."

"How in the hell did he do it without setting off alarms before this?" she demanded.

"I'm not sure captain. It looks like someone disabled internal sensors in the shuttle bay, and disengaged the door warning mechanism." A beeping noise filled the utter silence of the bridge. "Captain, I have an incoming transmission… It's from Commander Chakotay. He's requesting that it be relayed ship wide."

Nodding her head, she turned towards the main view screen, finding it blank. "Harry? She questioned. "Its audio only Captain."

Static filled the bridge clearing to the sound of Chakotay's voice. So she wouldn't even get to see him one last time. Focusing her attention on the words she tried to discern what he was saying through the haze that seemed to envelop her. She caught only fragments.

"The time has come for me to leave you'll. Due to personal reasons, I can no longer be a part of the fine crew that I have come to respect…_yes it was a fine crew, but for how long without him …_ even though I have to go, do not let my absence change what you have, a family…._they were a family and he was deserting them, her…_with as fine a captain as you'll have I have no doubt you'll make it home soon. I wish you fair winds and following seas. Chakotay out."

And just like that he was gone. "Captain shall I set a pursuit course" asked Tom breaking the shock induced stillness.

"No, Lieutenant. Put it up on the main viewer. Let him go."

She looked up at the screen and watched as he flashed out of her life. "I'll be in my ready room…Chakotay, you…" her voice cracked a fraction…she had to get to her ready room. Commander Tuvok, you have the bridge. And she left.

Across the nebula they had just navigated, another man bent over the controls of the helm. She hadn't even tried to convince him to return. It was for the best.

And across the ever increasing distance between them 2 hearts bled.

It had been a month since Chakotay had left, and things were starting to seem normal again on Voyager. B'Elanna had been restored to duty after a week in the brig for disabling the security systems. Tuvok had taken over as first officer, and despite protests from Neelix, Joe Carrey had taken over as chief of security. Harry had finally promoted to lieutenant and the dynamic between the crew was returning to equilibrium. The only person still lost was the captain. Oh she hid it. Attended parties, opened the beginning ceremonies of Prixin, went out with Naomi on the holodeck. She was the captain and it was up to her to set an example for the crew. But alone in the privacy of her quarters, she would relax the iron hold that kept her upright during the day and reality would crash down upon her. She would feel her child rolling leisurely around and wished that he could be there to feel it. But there were no more tears. She had cried so often the first few weeks, especially the day when she first felt the infant move, that she didn't know if she had any tears left in her. She ate well and slept when she could, mindful of the baby growing inside her. But everything else seemed dulled, surreal. She would catch herself wondering where he was. What he was doing. Whether he had found somebody to share his new life with. It was that last thought that brought her the most comfort and the most pain. He would find someone who could love him back. Someone who could make him happy. And she would always have a part of him with her. To love as much as she wanted to love him.

She placed a hand on her slowing moving child and even though she tried to stop it, a solitary tear ran down her cheek.

About 3 weeks behind them, a man sat, coaxing every bit of speed out of the shuttles engines as he could. He had tried to put her behind him. He really had. He had traveled back a few light years to a small colony where a humanoid species lived. Voyager, having been fully restocked after the Bremarains generosity, have made contact for only a day and then left. The people were almost human like in appearance. He had hoped they would welcome him and he was not disappointed. But it was not enough. He found himself thinking about voyager. He wondered if Harry had gotten his promotion now that he had left. He wondered if B'Elanna had gotten into much trouble because of him. He wondered what they were having for dinner that night.

But mostly he wondered about her. What she looked like. If she was getting enough rest now. Whether she was happy. Whether the baby was a boy or girl.

After three weeks of wondering, realization dawned like a new day. As hard as it was seeing her with another man's child, it was harder not seeing her at all. As hard as it was knowing she did not love him, it was harder knowing she was not his friend.

Gathering up his things and leaving his new friends behind, he set a new course for Voyager. He would go back and hope she forgave him. He did not know how long it would take for her to trust him, or even if she ever would again, but he had to try. Even if they could only ever be friends, he would accept it. As long as he was near her, by her side. He only hoped that I wasn't too late.

He did not know that he was nearly out of time already.


	4. Chapter 4

3 weeks Later

They were traveling through a region of space that was occupied by what Neelix had described as extremely aggressive aliens. There seemed to be a great shortage of peaceful species in the delta quadrant, Kathryn though with a smile. So far they had failed to make first contact, but it was only a matter of time.

"Captain, we are picking up a ship on long range sensors. It appears to carry a federation warp signature…Captain it's the shuttle commander Chakotay left in."

Her head snapped up before she reminded herself of the many possible explanations for the shuttle. "He's probably sent it after us on an intercept course Harry. We'll drop to warp one and wait for it to catch up. When it's it range, tractor it in to the shuttle bay. I'll be in my ready room." She stood up and waddled her way over to the doors.

It was amazing how one brief spurt of hope could send her emotions hurling again. Damn hormones.

Entering her ready room, she ordered a cup of warm milk and sat down behind her desk to enjoy it. At nearly 7 months, she was trying to reduce her coffee intake as much as possible. It seemed to make her child all the more jumpy. She had refused to let the doctor tell her the sex of the infant, wanting…needing something to look forward to finding out. Placing her hand on what was left of her lap her murmured soothingly to the child who seemed to be agitated by the swirling emotions of its mother. Most of the crew had assumed, like Chakotay, that Raoul was the father. She wondered what they would think when the baby was born.

Yawning she asked the computer to play a selection of Chopin in her ready room. The baby seemed to like it. She smiled as she felt the soft movements subside. No matter what, she loved her child. And she hoped that wherever he was Chakotay had found peace.

"Captain to the bridge," came the call. She sighed and got to her feet again. Stepping out she looked at Harry. "Report Lieutenant." She asked.

"We are receiving a hail from the shuttle Captain. It's the Commander." Harry said the words excitedly, having no idea of the effect they had on his captain. Slowly she sank into her chair. Chakotay. He had come back.

It was her last moment of peace before all hell broke loose.

"Captain I am reading 5 ships heading out from the ionosphere of the planet off the port bow. We weren't able to detect them before because of atmospheric interference blocking our sensors."

"Harry, try hailing them."

"No reply Captain." "They are charging weapons" Tuvok's calm voice intoned.

"On Screen. Shields up. Tuvok; Ready phasers."

"Captain I am reading fire power much more superior to our own. However the ships appear to be incapable of speed higher than warp 6. We can out run them."

On the front viewer they watched as 2 of the ships broke off from the attack pattern towards voyager and veered towards the fast approaching shuttle."

"The shuttle's only capable of warp 5 captain" Tom blurted out. "Chakotay doesn't stand a chance."

They watched as the first bolt of energy streaked towards the shuttle. Kathryn winced as the shields lit up with the force of the blast. The ship rocked as the aliens simultaneously opened fire on voyager.

"Tom, get us between the shuttle and those two ships. We'll have to try and beam him out of here. Mr. Tuvok, return fire."

"Captain, shields are already down to 47. I determine that we do not have the time to try and save the Commander before the shield collapse. Our phasers are proving ineffective."

"Divert all power to the shields including the phaser bank reserves." She watched as the shuttle loomed closer and closer and Tuvok read out the declining shield stats."

"36...28...21...captain we are between the ships and the shuttle and in transporter range."

"Harry, signal the commander to lower his shield for beam out. As soon as you confirm him on board, blow up the shuttle Mr. Tuvok and Mr. Paris…get us the hell out of here."

"Got him Captain. I'm beaming him directly to the bridge."

Just as Harry's triumphant shout echoed across the bridge Tuvok's soft voice sounded. "Captain we have lost the forward shields."

"Get us out of here Mr. Paris." Voyager turned and began to go to warp, when the alien ship fired one last time.

Chakotay materialized on the bridge of his ship not a second too late as far as he was concerned. The shuttles shields were gone and there was no way to outrun them in a class 2 shuttle.

His spirits buoyant, he knew Tom would never let him live down loosing another shuttle. As he turned towards where he sensed his captain was standing, the ground lurched under him. Consoles erupted in showers of smoke and the hull breach alarm sounded. But he did not notice all of this. The only thing he saw was Kathryn as she lost her balance and fell abdomen first into the guard rail in front of her. Her stomach hit the console. Hard. He could only watch as she crumpled to the ground.

He watched unable to move as voices droned on around him, oblivious to their Captains plight. He heard Harry confirming that emergency bulkheads were in place, and Tom confirming that they were clear of the aggressive ships, and then the deathly silence as the bridge crew realized that their captain was on the floor curled up in pain.

Snapping himself out of his stupor, he ran to her side. She curled up into a ball as much as she could, clutching her abdomen.

Kathryn couldn't believe the pain. So much pain. She curled up, trying to understand what was happening to her, when she felt an even sharper pull low in her abdomen. And then the warm gush of liquid between her legs. What was wrong with her? She couldn't be in labour - it was way too soon. Putting her hand down under her, it came away bright red. Blood. Suddenly everything snapped into place. The baby. She was losing her baby . She reared her head up to look into Chakotay's eyes.

Chakotay paled when he saw the blood. Why did this have to happen to her? She looked up at him with stricken eyes, brimming with tears. Lifting her into his arms he barked out an order for transport to sickbay.

Rematerializing in front of a biobed and very worried doctor, he gently placed her down before the doctor shoved him out of the way running a tricorder across her. Tom and B'Elanna came charging through the doors a few minutes later…seemingly an eternity. Tom immediately moved to the side of the doctor while B'Elanna looked at him open mouthed. Looking down he saw he was covered in blood… her blood. Knees nearly buckling he was grateful for the hand that steadied him and turned to lead him away from the bed. As he left sickbay he heard her weak voice filter through the buzzing in his ears.

"Save the baby doctor. Never mind about me…save my baby"

His heart tore in two at the agony in her voice and he could no more hold himself up than if his legs were made of wet clay. Sliding to the floor, he felt Belanna clutch at his hands.

Her voice penetrated the haze that was surrounding him making it difficult to breath. He looked up to see her lips moving. She was calling him. Summoning up all his will power he tried to listen.

"I'm not supposed to tell you this Chakotay, and Tom could be in a lot of trouble later but I think you have a right to know. While pulling a shift in sickbay yesterday, Tom came across a scan of the baby the doc had done that day. I know this will come as a shock to you Chakotay… but the baby is definitely human. When Tom came back and told me I forced him to run a scan to see whose DNA's it was. It matched YOURS."

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna like he had never seen her before. "My DNA? That's impossible. I've never slept with…it can't be." For a moment his mind grasped the possibility that she had done what Seska had claimed… but dismissed it immediately. Kathryn would never do that to him. "How?" was all he managed to croak out.

"As far as the scans can tell…the baby is around 7 months old. That would mean she would have had to conceive at around the time the Hirogen took over the ship."

"That means that Captain Miller…but I thought that Kathryn remembers what happened in the holodeck."

"She does Chakotay. She knows that the baby she's carrying…it's _your_ daughter."

Chakotay looked towards the closed doors of sickbay where his future was in the hands of another man. He tried to find it in himself to be angry that she had not told him, but his harsh words kept flashing in his mind

_Wrong B'el. I loved her. Not anymore. Not after she betrayed me. I'll never give her power to hurt me again. From now on I'll be her first officer and nothing more. I have to see her on duty but after that I'll avoid her like the plague. I don't know what I even saw in her in the first place. I must have been blind_

_I KNOW it isn't MINE. How could it be mine? I've never slept with you, thank god_

_It's because I can't stand to be around you anymore. I can't even look at you. And I hate you for making me feel this way_

Over and over, he heard himself spit out those hurtful words, and no matter how hard he tried he could not banish from his minds eye the image of her soaking in her own blood, looking up at him with fear in her eyes. Fear yes…yet even then underlined with trust. That he would take care of her.

Her last words echoed in his mind… _Save the baby doctor. Never mind about me…save my baby _and with a cry that rent his soul in two he collapsed in B'Elanna's arms crying…not knowing if he would ever be able to stop.


	5. Chapter 5

4 days later in sickbay:

Kathryn groggily stirred, and then slowly her eyes blinked open. Feeling a heavy weight on her hand, she looked down to see her first officer asleep, clutching her hand under his head. For a moment, everything was right in her world…then suddenly with the speed and devastation of a tsunami it all came roaring back at her. Him leaving, the fire fight with the aliens, beaming him onto the bridge and then falling hard against those blasted rails. With a jolt she remembered the last few moments she was conscious- the blood all around her. Her free hand flew to her stomach to reassure her self...

Chakotay woke up with a start to the sound of a sharp intake of breath near him. He remembered immediately why he was clutching Kathryn's hand in sickbay, and he raised his head, looking up into her startling blue eyes which were awash with tears - she then turned away to look at her now flat stomach before turning back to him. In one corner of his mind detachedly he marvelled at how easily they could communicate even now. Even after nearly 2 months of separation, he immediately knew what she was asking. Inhaling a deep breath he steeled himself for what would probably be the most difficult thing he had to do in his life.

One look into his chocolate brown eyes, eyes that were so easy to read, swimming in tears and she knew. She knew. But she waited for him to confirm her worst nightmare.

"Kathryn…I… I'm so very sorry"… he heard the door open behind him and idly thought that B'Elanna and Tom must have come by for their daily visit to spell him for a few hours. He forced his thoughts back to the present… "The doctor tried everything he could…but the baby...she had suffered too much trauma, as well as being born 2 months early…he couldn't save her. He nearly lost you too. Twice.

Her eyes lost all emotion as he looked at her. He shuddered at the sudden wall that slammed into place at his words. "Maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing if he had," she murmured.

He heard the startled gasp behind him and saw her look up, focusing for the first time on her visitors in sickbay. She barely glanced at them before looking back at him. "Are we clear of the alien's space Commander?"

Wincing at the flat lifeless tone of her voice, he answered in the affirmative.

"And the funeral for the b…baby?" her voice wavered ever so minutely, but immediately snapped back to the steel shot voice of command he was so used to hearing.

"The doctor has placed her … body in stasis. We thought that you would want to be there for the ceremony." She nodded as if he were reciting a briefing report. "Very well commander…I assume it _is_ commander since you're in uniform again...Tuvok reinstated you?" at his silent nod she continued. "Schedule the ceremony for 1100 hours tomorrow."

He tried to get through to her again. "Kathryn I know that it seems hard now but…."

"I'm sorry to interrupt Commander but you have no idea what it _seems._ I assume that you being here means that by now you know that she was not Raoul's child?"

Without waiting for a reply, without giving him the chance to explain to her that even if it had been Raouls child, that nothing would have dragged him from her ever again, she went on. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Maybe things would be different if I had." She paused for a second, imagining a very different outcome, then slammed down on thoughts that would only lead to more pain. "But it's too late now. Too late for anything"

Looking up at her, he despaired at the lack of emotion in her voice. A few months ago he would be staring into a level 10 glare or holding her as she cried. Now she stated it as a fact, her voice as level as ever.

"Now if you don't mind, I'm very tired, and I would like to get some rest." And with that she turned around lay on her side and ignored them.

Chakotay stared at her back wondering what he was supposed to do now. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see B'Elanna with tears streaming down her face hugging Tom. Nodding at them, not trusting his voice yet, he turned around and left sickbay, his 2 friends trailing after him silently.

Alone in sickbay Kathryn's hand went unconsciously too her stomach and she let a single tear roll down her cheek before she ruthlessly clamped down on her feelings. The past 5 months had been hell on earth for Kathryn, but she had borne all of it. This was the final straw. She did not know if she could survive another blow. She locked Kathryn up deep inside herself…the part of her that wanted to cry and never stop, to fall into Chakotay's arms, to rail against the gods at their cruelty. First Justin and her father, then Mark, Chakotay leaving and finally her baby. A girl Chakotay had said. A beautiful girl. Realizing that she was letting herself think she suppressed it all again. Kathryn was gone. The captain was the only thing holding her together…so from now on that was all she would be. The captain. The captain did not hurt, did not cry, did not feel. That was how she would survive.

The next day in the mess hall:

The entire crew was assembled in the mess hall except for the few that were running the skeleton shift that morning. The captain was standing by the side of the torpedo tube, back ramrod straight, arms at her side. Beside her stood Chakotay similar in posture, with the notable difference being the tears streaming down his cheeks. She had declined to speak and had even refused to name her daughter, so that task fell to Chakotay. His voice shook as he said goodbye to his daughter Nelaya, naming her after his sister.

Around her Kathryn heard the muffled sobs. But she remained stiffly at attention as a crewman sounded the traditional whistle and the torpedo was launched into space at Tuvok's command. Spinning around she turned towards her crew and stiffly thanked them for attending and dismissed them back to their duty stations. She saw the shocked disbelief at her coldness, but it penetrated no part of her. Swiftly walking to the door's she ignored any effort by her people to stop and condole her and the last thing she heard as she walked through the doors was somebody muttering ice queen. But even this had no effect. There was nobody left to care anymore.

Chakotay stiffened as he heard the muttered comment of the ensign. He took a few quick steps towards him intending to make the young man rue his words when he was stopped by Tuvok holding on to his arm. "Commander, I will see to this matter. Ensign Carter will be properly dealt with."

Glaring at his security officer, he looked back at the offender, now as white as a sheet. With a sigh he nodded his acquiescence and left the mess hall, making his way slowly to his quarters. He sat down hard on his sofa, before springing up again, frustration coursing through him. He had just lost the only family he had left. Kathryn probably blamed him for the child's death, the way she was treating him, and he just been denied the opportunity to take out his anger on some prick headed ensign. He headed to the cargo bay to find his stash of ale. He was on leave for the next 2 days, unlike the captain who had gone back to duty after the funeral, and he intended to get very _very_ drunk.

4 hours later, after the end of the alpha shift, he heard the door chime beeping. Ignoring it he took another swig of the bottle in his hand, having long ago abandoned the glass. Blearily he looked around at the 4 empty bottles lying around the sofa, then at the half filled one in his hand.

The door chimed again and then again, but he ignored it. He hadn't even passed out yet. He couldn't even get that right. He turned as he heard the door open immediately regretting his decision. The room swam before his eyes before he forced it into focus again. He hoped against all odds that she had come to see him...to grieve with him, but as his old friend and chief engineer came into focus he turned back to his bottle. Before he could take another sip however it was hauled out of his hand.

He looked up into sorrowful stern eyes and winced. She looked like his mother had when he was 15 and had caught him drinking at his friend's house. Mutinously he raised his head and managed to drawl out something that sounded like the word "what?"

B'Elanna merely raised her eyebrows and took in the bottle riddled surroundings. Sighing, she tapped on her comm badge, ordering a detox hypo from sickbay and watched it materialize. She had expected an argument from the doctor but was surprised when he quickly acquiesced and beamed it over. Looking down at her old captain, she picked him up, dragging him to the bed. Once he was there, she injected him and then left to sit on his sofa. The hypo spray might take a few hours to work judging from the count of empty glass bottles, and she needed time to think.

2 hours later Chakotay emerged groggily from his bedroom smiling sheepishly at his friend. The smile faded however when she saw her serious expression.

"What is it B'El?" he asked carefully. He had a feeling he knew why she was here, but he wasn't going to make it easy.

"Damn it Chakotay" she burst out, "you were in sickbay and the funeral, and though you weren't on the bridge today, she was the same there too. She can't go on like this, and you're the only person I can think off who can break her out of it. Stop being a Pa'thak and do something! "

Sighing again he looked down. It was a full minute before he spoke again, and then only because B'Elanna was showing signs of gearing up for another outburst.

"I lost the right to do anything when I left 3 months ago B'Elanna. If I had taken the time to try and understand, instead of judging, if I had trusted her…or loved her enough to stay… or if only I had never come back, this would never had happened. I know that. And she knows that. And I don't blame her for hating me. I know that someone has to get through to her. But it can't be me. Not anymore."

And with that he left the room, heading to the bedroom for a shower, leaving behind one very frustrated half Klingon.

It was 2 weeks since the funeral and the crew of the U.S.S. Voyager was on edge. They knew something was wrong with their captain and it was reflected in their somber mood.

No one on Voyager could fault the captain at her job. If anything she had become even more immersed in her work if possible and it was exemplary. No, they just missed the Kathryn that attended talent nights, that cracked a smile at the banter between Tom and Harry on the bridge, that whipped Tom at pool in Sandrine's.

Even Chakotay, who was still convinced that she blamed him for Nelaya's death knew something had to be done. All other attempts by the doctor, Tom, B'Elanna and even Tuvok had failed. He had to try now. Even if she was furious at him her anger would at least provoke some reaction when he confronted her. Anything.

Steeling his courage, he approached her quarter's, padd in hand, a pithy official excuse to let him in. He knew she wouldn't unofficially so he grasped at any excuse he could find.

Ringing the chime he waited to be granted entrance, explaining about the urgent report from Tuvok that he had to drop off. He waited a few tense moments, while he could almost silently hear her debate whether to let him in. in the end her sense of duty won out as he had known it would and he was granted admittance.

Kathryn dully watched as he entered her quarters. It had been a week and now the only reason he was forcing himself to see her alone was due to ships business. But she no longer felt the pain that that thought would have once brought. Deep inside her a tiny voice cried out, but the captain quickly quashed it into submission.

She held out a hand for the padd then watched with a raised eyebrow as he walked over to her couch and sat down. Sighing she turned her attention back to the padd, scrolling through it quickly, confused as to why the daily security report had to be hand delivered all of a sudden.

He was shocked by her appearance. She had lost a lot of weight, and if the dark circles under her eyes were any indication, she wasn't sleeping well either. Looking around her quarters, he noticed that what was usually the organized chaos that he teased her about now was probably neater than Tuvok's Spartan quarters.

Turning his attention back to Kathryn he started when he realized that she was now staring at him with an intensity that made him know that he was either going to break through to her in the next few minutes… or forever regret the day that B'Elanna had convinced him this was a good idea.


	6. Chapter 6

"What is this commander?" She inquired in the steel shot voice that had made many an ensign run for cover. It was only years of resistance training that enabled Chakotay to stare up defiantly..

"It's an excuse captain."

"An _excuse _for…?" she replied, still feigning innocence.

"Damn it Kathryn…don't play with me. You know damn well what I'm here to talk about."

He watched as her eyes widened at his sudden outburst. Good. She was startled. If he kept her on edge, she was less likely to be able to marshal up her defenses.

At her continued silence, he said in a very soft whisper "I'm here to talk about our daughter. Why didn't you tell me Kathryn, I would have understood if you thought 'us' was a mistake, but she wasn't. Tell me you don't see Nelaya as a mistake."

Kathryn struggled past the lump forming in her throat. She didn't know if even the captain was strong enough for this conversation, but she would try.

"I'm sorry Chakotay. Sorry that I got pregnant…you have to know it wasn't intentional, sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you, sorry that…" y_ou don't love me._ She mourned the fact that if she _had_ told him, he would have cared for the child. Hated her maybe, or resented her, but he would have loved their child. "Most of all I'm sorry that you had to find out you had a child like this."

His heart ached at the sadness and guilt he saw she had burdened herself with. Self loathing filled him. He had promised never to leave her, to always stand by her side, to make her burden lighter. He had broken that promise, she had lost her child trying to save his life and in spite of all of this _she_ was sorry.

"Kathryn, you have nothing to be sorry for. I should have never left you, I should have trusted you. Gods Kathryn... how can you be sorry? It's my fault." His voice cracked, and once again the tears overtook him. "My fault" he mumbled again,

He felt the familiar pressure of her hand on his shoulder and looked up into dismayingly dry eyes. "It isn't your fault Chakotay. It was an accident. A terrible accident." With that she patted his shoulder as if comforting him on the loss of a game pool or velocity and moved towards the entrance archway of her bedroom.

It wasn't working he thought wildly. He had failed. Only one thing remained to be tried, and though he hesitated to use it, knew how much pain it would cause her, he knew he had no choice.

She had nearly made it to safety. A few more steps and she could retire to the comfort of her bed, to stare in oblivion at the starscape she knew all to well, to reign in the torrent of emotions that were threatening to sweep her away while she clutched tenuously at every shred of control she possessed. So close to numbness again. And then he spoke.

"I held her you know. For a few minutes. She did live for a few minutes, but her organs were so undeveloped and along with the trauma she suffered, the doctor said that she wouldn't survive a surgery or a stasis chamber. She was having trouble breathing, but she was still crying. As stubborn as you Kathryn. So small. Yet perfect. Perfect." He kept his voice strong and loud, even though he was dying a little with every word he forced out. "10 fingers,10 toes. I counted. She had your hair. And your eyes. She looked right at me with those big blue eyes"

She interrupted suddenly. "Most babies are born with blue eyes. It usually changes as they grow."

He realized that she was trying to distract herself, to pick out, analyze and explain as an objective scientist, but he continued inexorably.

"But she had my nose. And my coloring. She was so beautiful… I sang to her for awhile. I told her…"

"Chakotay... Please…don't do this…" her voice was shaking now and as much as he hated himself for it, he forced himself to go on.

"I told her how much we loved her, and how much we had wanted her to stay with us. I told her she shouldn't be afraid, that my father would watch over her for me while I was away. I told her about you, and why you weren't there to say goodbye. I…you weren't conscious Kathryn but she was whimpering, so I put her next to you on the bed, turned into you, and she…she stopped crying for awhile…I thought she was just finally tired, and that maybe she knew… she sensed she was next to you, so she had quieted down, but when I went to pick her up again, she…She knew she was safe and I think, I hope, she just went to sleep. When I went to pick her up again… she wasn't breathing..."

He stopped, couldn't go on anymore looking at her, standing stoic as ever, her back to him. The room was deathly quite, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. There was nothing more he could do. He stood up preparing to leave when he detected a tremor running through her.

Hesitantly he took a step forward, and then another. He steeled himself for a rebuff and hesitantly placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn…?"

With a sob that tore from somewhere deep inside her, she turned and barrelled into his arms, her legs giving up their struggle to keep her standing up against the waves of grief that pounded against her. As they both slid to the ground, her head burrowed into his strong chest, trying to absorb to strength, the will, to draw her next breath. The tears ran freely down the faces of the two grieving parents, curled up against the bulkhead. Chakotay held her shuddering form, rocking gently as he felt his shirt grow damper. He tried to comfort her, when there was no comfort to be offered. He could only hold her as the storm raged around them. He'd hold her for however long she needed him to be there, however long he could, until she remembered protocol and dismissed him again and then he'd go... and find a way to put the pieces of his shattered heart back together, or go quietly insane trying.


	7. Chapter 7

After about an hour he felt her quiet down into gentle hiccups before her breathing evened out even more and he knew she had fallen asleep, after who knew how long. Gently he lifted her up and carried her into her bedroom.

It was the first time he had been there and he distantly noted pictures of the crew and senior staff, of Molly and her mom hung on the walls. Walking over to the bed he noticed a picture on the nightstand. It was of the two of them at one of Neelix's luaus. Her hand was on his chest and he was looking down at her. It must have been taken when the doctor had been bitten by the camera bug. It pained him to see that she had kept a reminder of him so close to her, even after what he had done. He was roused out of his recriminations by the feel of his captain gently burrowing her head into his warmth. With a sad smile he leaned down to place her on the bed, but she would not let him go, moaning quietly when he tried to pry her hands off his shirt. With a mental shrug he slid down facing her and drew the comforter over them. She might kill him later, but for now she needed the sleep, and he needed to feel her in his arms, even if it was for the first and last time.

Kathryn woke up feeling more rested than she had in months. Gradually the feeling of being surrounded by warmth permeated her…and the fact that she was not alone in her bed. Propping her head up on one elbow, she looked down on the sleeping face of her second in command. He was snoring softly. She got up and headed for the bathroom. She had a feeling he would want to talk and she had to prepare.

Chakotay woke up to the sound of water spilling into the sink. Groggily it took him a few minutes to figure out where he was and when he did he bounded out of bed with a start. Well he wasn't phasered yet…that was a good sign. With a sigh he headed into the living room to get her some coffee. It night help improve her mood, and he could use all the help he could get.

Fifteen minutes later found them both staring at each over coffee at her table. "So…" they both began.

"Please…let me go first? Chakotay asked. With a wave of her hand Kathryn agreed and he continued. "I want to start by saying how sorry I am…firstly for yesterday…"

"You don't have to apologize for yesterday Chakotay. I needed that. I know I did. And I'm sorry; I know it must have been hard for you to face me after what I had done ….

"Spirits Kathryn…let me finish. No matter if you needed it or not, I was still very hard on you. And you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who did everything wrong." Angrily he got up and started pacing. "No matter what, I should have never left the ship ...never have left you. I promised you a while ago that I would always stand by and if nothing else I am a man who strives to keep his promises. Even if Neleya wasn't mine I had no right to leave you."

"But you did. And no matter what fault lies with you it also lies with me. I should have told you at the beginning that she was yours. If I had none of this would have happened. We can both go around wallowing in self pity, but that isn't going to help anybody. She stood up and walked towards him. "I propose that we try to forgive ourselves and move on."

She turned away from him quickly, but he reached out and snagged her wrist spinning her into him and he looked into blue pools awash with misery. "This wasn't your fault Kathryn; you must believe that mush at least. And I didn't mean it when I said that I hated you. That I wanted to leave the ship because of you. I just wanted you to know that. I should go now. I've done enough here"

He let go of her and turned to leave. This time she was the one who grabbed him and turned him around.

"Then what _did_ you mean when you left?" she cried, thumping a fist onto his chest. "Why was it you suddenly couldn't stand to be on the same starship with me, much less the same room?" Her voice wobbled as she asked again "Why are you leaving me again now?"

He groaned when he heard the hurt in her voice. Sighing he pulled her close running both hands over her hair then down to cup her face between his palms. "This is exactly why Kathryn. Because I keep hurting you and every time I do, it tears me apart. I...I love you …too much to keep doing this to you. I'd rather let you go than try to keep you while hurting you all the time. I've given up, Kathryn."

He closed his eyes as she looked up at him fresh tears welling up to torment him. "See I'm doing it again…hurting you. What I mean is I've given up on ever getting over you. I tried to when I left the ship, but it felt like a part of me was missing. That's why I came back. I knew that no matter what I could never be happy out there. All I want now is here, with you."

"What do you want from me Chakotay?" she asked imploringly

"I want a place in your life," he said without hesitation. "It's what I've always wanted and frankly I'll take anything you're willing to give me. Second in command, friend, anything"

"That's not what you said in the mess hall that day." She shot back, her bruised heart refusing to let down walls already crumbling. "You regretted ever having even met me then."

"I'm sorry you heard that, sorry for the pain I know I caused you when I shut you out, but you have to know that isn't how I feel. What I said then had more to do with me trying to reconcile giving up something that I've wanted for a very long time now.

"And what would that be?" she asked, almost afraid of the answer

He shrugged and smiled sadly before confessing, "A place in your heart."

The place in Kathryn's heart that had always been his unclenched slowly and she leaned against him, smiling when he felt his arms tentatively encircle her. "Then maybe we both gave up too easily."

She felt him tense, and then his hand came down to drag her face up to his gaze. "Do you mean that Kathryn."

"I love you Chakotay. I think I always have. And I know I always will. I'm just sorry it took this to get me to admit it."

Tears spilled over as he crushed her to him. "No more sorries about the past my love" he said, and her heart revelled in the tenderness of his voice. "From now on we look only to the future. Our future."


End file.
